My Man "Lets" Me Take Afternoon Naps!

This morning was rough. I kept telling my daughter she needed a nap, and rather than scold her for not listening, I took my own advice.

Maybe she didn't need the reset as much as I did.

So I went upstairs without a word, journaled a bit, put on a meditation while I tucked myself into bed and got to relaxin'.

Then...

I heard Chris's footsteps coming up the stairs.

My body did what it used to do when I heard my mothers footsteps coming up the stairs when the sound of him jolted me into the realization that I didn't tell him I was leaving to go nap, which could technically make me an asshole. I did leave him to deal when I just...couldn't, which wasn't cool.

My partner and I both prioritize our children over all else. We both work from home mostly, both create our own schedules, and do so around our children's homeschooling schedule, each other's schedule, and our morning coffee. He gigs most weekends while I'm with the kids, but during the week, we're closer to an even split as far as what we do.

I noticed the dumpster fire vibes while I laid silently still. Basically the feeling of paralyzation that likely comes while being electrocuted.

What's he gonna say, I wondered the way I'd wait for my moms punishment.

I hear him come in lightly, look, know what's going on with zero resistance to it whatsoever, and close the door behind him so the kids didn't disturb me. WTAF?

It's such a different life. I created such a different life for myself, not because of manifestation but because of finally understanding relation that's not enmeshment. With EVERYTHING, including my work, my purpose, my money, my man, my identity....everything.

If that's something you need to work on, check out my course Soul Centering After Toxic Shame, but that's not the point of this.

The point is, the contrast of my life is so great it blows my mind most days. I napped for an hour and a half, came downstairs, he kissed me and asked how my nap was.

My eyes watered as I thanked him while telling him I remember the feeling of..."oh fuck, my moms coming to hit me because I'm not "doing..." feeling that came every. single. time. I touched relaxation in my life.

He pulled me in and said..."and from now on, it'll always be this way."

Meaning, take the nap when you need it and you'll still be loved, and you'll be kept safe while you sleep.

This man loves me more than both of my parents combined love me.

He doesn't necessarily take care of me, but he always offers a lot of support when I need to prioritize taking care of myself which has taught me a lot about self care not only being a luxury but a responsibility.

I feel so lucky to be able to share this. To be able to be honest about the fact that old me would've hated someone who could take a nap in the middle of the day after homeschooling her kids, who works from home on her own schedule. I'd have thought she was a spoiled bitch who got everything handed to her, likely by a rich husband with rich parents, and that she was more advantaged than me somehow.

Back then, I packed both of my kids up each morning & walked us to school. I worked at their school all day, then I'd drive them to my moms, then drive myself an hour away to college, go to grad school for three hours each night, drive back to my moms to pick the kids up, then drive us home to sleep and do it all over again tomorrow.

I was WAY way below the poverty line on a mission to help those as "in the gutter" as I was. Problem was, I hadn't gotten out yet.

I was a single mom with dreams who believed "work" would be the thing that led me to them, but rest is the thing that brings awareness of a dream, which is something I've not sat still long enough to see until now.

I'm not so afraid anymore because I've gotten still enough to let the dreams that dream of me, show me the way. I'm driven by the dream, I don't drive it anymore. I rest in it rather than work in it.

I know the dream takes care of me and it's not I alone, that take care of it.

I'm a person driven by peace, not things, and like I said...these days, I allow peace to drive me, instead of me driving myself into the ground in a life in pursuit of it. That to me, is living the dream.

One could say...I've always done this in ways (despite knowing when it's paddle time and float time), but it wasn't until now that I truly settled into a life in which reflects to me completely...that I'm allowed.

I'm allowed to tuck myself into bed to listen to the birdsong decorating the sound of drizzle on the porch roof, without a word. Without an "excuse" to need it. Without a justification to "deserve" it.

Like the rhythm of a child, who "should" be allowed to honor their own inner harmonies, my world now reflects to me that natural rhythms are to be resurrected in the self, not crucified and that they're not the devil, but angels wings blanketing ones path.

Took me two decades of manifestation, realization and self exploration to rest in this way. I'm not debt free, I have bills to pay, mouths to feed in ridiculous amounts of inflation.

These facts a few years ago would've led me to having to take a nap because I was so overwhelmed by the insurmountability of it all OR had me running around frantically "working" to control the inevitable outcome of my doom in such a way that believed naps were demonic to my cause.

I'd never have rested for rests sake. For joys sake. For rhythms sake.

I'd have rested only when I was about to die if I didn't. Not as preventative medicine for fully living.

One of the greatest contributing factors in my life to allowing the expression of this is Chris's unwavering acceptance of everything I am, who provides the safety for me to be completely myself.

BUT!

I had to learn myself to give it to him.

I had to give myself in order to learn from him.

All of that inner work, led to a great rest that now, I work from, not, to get to.

I'm a student of A Course in Miracles which says, ""Rest in Peace," is a blessing for the living, not the dead."

I've practiced that lesson very diligently and the exercises involved in that practice teach my family that following ones own natural rhythm is not only allowed, it's the only sensible, sustainable way to be oneself as a creation in the Kingdom.

He "let" me take a nap is what my mother would have me think.

Guess what Chris thinks?

"She took a nap."

Not, "Look how good I am for "letting" her."

I took notes.

I took a nap. Not because I deserved it, because I’m lazy, because I’m sick or broken, but because I wanted a reset, and gifted it to myself.

These days when I take a nap that’s all it means…”she took a nap.” It doesn’t come with the punisher frequency invading my nervous system for doing what I’m naturally inclined to do.

These days, I rest in peace.

May you, my love, rest in peace.