You're Allowed to Feel Like Shit. Whatttt?

I can't get the Taylor Swift lyrics, "there was happiness before me, but there was happiness because of me" lines out of my head. That line is seesawing with compulsive passive suicidal ideations.

I woke up this way - where some might reflect to me all the tools under the sun to not feel this way. I have paid for said tools and safely tucked them in my drawer because I feel too tired to wear my tool belt this morning.

I find myself wanting to tell all of the sunshiners, all of the go-get-em-ers, who give me methods to get "out" of this place, but no practical tools to BE WITH MYSELF IN IT, to go fuck themselves in their resistance to "this" place.

My work...is 'that.'

And my Lord, I'm working hard right now. I'm also doing a pretty intensely productive parasite cleanse right now, so I offer myself grace while die-off symptoms have me feeling the death of probably thousands of invasive life forms inside of me begging me, their murderer, to let them live.

Parasites aren't just for energetic personality type descriptions. Those descriptions are based on real life visible, tangle realties that right now are literally coming out of my ass.

They come on in, make themselves cozy in all of your systems, eat all of the healthy organic food you spend your life working to offer yourself, leave you with nothing but their toxic shit (literally) that accumulates so high in you, there's little room for the real you left.

Then...inevitably...one feels dirty, and parasitic, and shows up to life a little more like the parasitic personalities that took them as their host, then they'd like to. So I acknowledge that this is written from a bit of a "healing" crisis, but the "healing" is more important to me than the "crisis" so I stick it out.

Everything in my life appears wonderful. It even feels it when my seven-years-so-far-straight breastfeeding body isn't swinging her wicked hormone ax down on me. But today is an I'm-being-axed day, and rather than run away from it, or hide it...I've taken the wound, and I'm tucking myself into bed with it.

"I don't need to get ahead. I need to get...HERE"...is written on the chalk wall in my kitchen. And I stand by it in all of my states as someone driven by inner peace, rather than outer things.

To me, the Process is to be trusted more than the tools that come in to demolish it before it’s taught us its language.

The Process after all, is what offered up the tools.

I need more of myself IN my body, which sometimes requires clearing on multiple levels like kicking out what's living in me, but not living for me. Like the ultimate narcissist (energetically or physically).

It ALSO requires allowing the process Christ would have in us, to light us up from the inside which feels like FIRE, which if not well channeled, can make people like us run to "let it out" in devilish ways, rather than let it in, and through the way Christ did.

Sometimes the truth is that my Self is run down by the process, which is exactly when I give myself fully to the Process so it can have its way with me. So it can drop me new tools if that’s what’s needed, or drop away the idea by burning it right in front of me, that anything is needed other than being exactly where I am (and I'm to trust that on faith and no reason alone).

Sometimes self Work is surrendering to what things are, rather than immediately seeking to control the second things aren't what we'd have them be. Like, feeling shitty.

Self Allowing, has gifted me a day paralyzed in bed when I'm feeling super in the gutter versus a year.

I don't need to be perfectly fair weather person.

I trust that so long as I'm in Process, the Work will be revealed to me. Because when I seek to control the Work when I feel most out of control, it stops working IN me, and starts working FOR me, like a shitty day job rather than a fountain of youth always in flow.

So no, you don't "always" need to control your state. No, being super evolved doesn't mean you feel amazing and life is always easy.

No, the flood gates of your hell will not open and burn you away if you let yourself feel what you're ALREADY feeling. You'll just...

feel it...

Feeling worms trying to crawl out of your skin is radically uncomfortable. Feeling the die-off of old parts of self is radically uncomfortable. Feeling the feels of relational uncertainty is radically uncomfortable.

Life in a condensation of explosive energy fit into a tiny human body is radically uncomfortable.

Comfort comes from learning to sit in the radical discomfort long enough that the dis- falls away, and all you're left with is...comfort. Like taking the dis- out of dis-ease.

Feel it to heal it.

Feel it to heal from it.

Feel it to heal WITH it.

Feel it to heal because of it.