On Letting Go & Letting God

I never really got the “let go and let God” thing.

I got it but didn’t “get” it. Not consciously anyway. I mean, there were those three car accidents that felt in slow motion, and the peace in the lack of resistance while flying through the air knowing there’s nothing more I could do; that my fate was in -not- my hands was equivalent. But, those were subconscious experiences, the seeds of “getting” the “let go and let God” thing that recently sprouted to conscious levels in me.

It wasn’t until I laid next to my 15 year old son at 2am in an ER, after the ER doc told me he had to be transferred to a distant hospital specialized enough to deal with his very serious, very rare, very, “this cannot seriously be happening” heart condition. I won’t go into too much detail (find it on Facebook if you want the whole story because it’s there), but basically my healthy fifteen year old son had a heart attack. Not from the inside out, from the outside in. He processed a virus in a way that for whatever reason, gave him a heart attack. And a serious one.

It’s been weeks since that night, but I remember the very moment of watching him sleep, drugged up, purple faced, his monitor beeping incessantly. I was too pregnant to kneel but energetically, I was kneeling. I put my hand over his heart, tears streaming...rivers, flooding the sides of my face as I laid my head next to his. In silence.

He’s 15. Hand over heart and head to head moments are as serious and rare as his heart attack. This was...it.

Earlier in my life through my addiction phases, my manifesting tendencies, pretty much every paradigm I’ve constructed to make me feel safe in my own world, I have sought to control just how out of control it all actually is. I wanted to control who I “allowed” to control me, to control other people’s judgments and my mothers projections. How people saw me. The people who “didn’t” see me. My healing. My rage. My men. To a codependent, niceties are as much about control as they are world peace.

This was the first time in my entire life I actually felt the character of my own identity move aside, wiping it’s hands of any egoic sense of control, if that even makes sense. I know I “have” moved aside before, but this time, I felt it long enough that it didn’t feel “fleeting.”

I didn’t know what was going on. Nor did I pretend to. I had no answers, only questions. There was only here, right now, and there was nothing else. The Stacy that “speaks” went silent. Respectfully, because she knew she had nothing to say this away. This was a matter of “being” with.

That was...it. There I was, smack dab in the middle of the darkest possibility a parent could ever face, drowning in a love so unconditional, so pure, that no time or space, or lack of body could ever permeate. I was completely and utterly out of control of both things; his fate, and my love. And for once, I didn’t try to control it. I knew I couldn’t.

When we know we have no other choice than to be out of control of being completely out of control, that’s when we truly let go and let God.

And this,

is sweet,

is bitter,

is surrender.

When I moved aside the Stacy that speaks, what remained was a larger part which knew that everything...knew exactly what it was doing, and that all was...well. And so it is.

The cardiologist said she’s seen kids with levels as high as my son’s who “did” survive, require heart transplants. Gratefully, today he is finally off of his live-feed heart monitor, and no one lost a loved one to make that true. He is healing. He's also the big guy in the picture holding the little guy I recently gave birth to. :)

When I don’t know what to do, I do nothing. When I don’t know how to “be,” I’ll be present.

Being present is literally one of the very little things we “can” control. It often requires moving ourselves aside, giving up what we think we know, and making room for experience rather than trying to get experience to make room for us. All of which takes practice; even for the practiced.

When we’re at that place in ourselves, we can be assured that we don’t just “get” what it means to let go and let God, but by God, we “got” it.